Monthly Archives: July 2007


Zero stars – Chris Sivertson’s 107 minute long stretch of celluloid (give blame where blame is due) is perhaps the sleaziest, nastiest, ugliest, most vile little excuse of a film in many a moon. The plot: Aspiring writer and sometime pianist Aubrey Fleming (Lindsay Lohan) disappears one night after going to the movies with her bubble-headed friends. Turns out, a guy has been going around town abducting, torturing and killing young women. Aubrey looks like his next victim. Then Aubrey is found in a ditch by a woman (who just barely avoids a car accident, by the by) and is taken to the hospital in a coma. When she wakes up, she doesn’t recognize her name, her parents, or her life. She is now Dakota Moss (also Lohan), a chain-smoking, foul-mouthed, alcoholic/drug-addicted stripper, the daughter of a crack addict, who’s been slumming it her whole life on Skid Row. Her parents (Julia Ormond and Neal McDonough) are concerned and hurt. Her potential stalker turned boyfriend Jerrod (Brian Geraghty) is eccstatic now she’s giving him the time of day. But is this the real Aubrey? Or is something else at work? And that’s quite enough of the plot. So here’s 10 things I thought about while watching “I Know Who Killed Me”:

<br/><br />10. I didn’t like Lohan before the personality shift and I flat-out loathed her afterward. Very bad sign.

<br/><br />9. I suspect the film’s top draw is the curiosity over Lohan as a stripper – which isn’t worth it.

<br/><br />8. Why would an established actress (if a fairly mediocre one) like Lohan degrade herself in (to say nothing of subject herself to the torture of) trash like this?

<br/><br />7. After the line “I think the cutting’s about punishment” I found myself saying (out loud), “So is the editing!”

<br/><br />6. The film is sloppily-made by director/perpetrator Chris Sivertson. An example: when the apparent killer first appears (and, I think, is a red herring of sorts), there is one quick shot of him carelessly edited into the middle of a scene with Lohan and friends and there is no preparation, context or explanation for the shot. It comes and goes just as quickly.

<br/><br />5. The screenplay by Jeff Hammond is the sort of shamelessly artless trash that gives the term “exploitation movie” a bad name.

<br/><br />4. Where was Rodney Rowland (formerly of TV’s “Space: Above & Beyond”? I didn’t see him anywhere! (smart career move)

<br/><br />3. Is it possible there’s a worse film this year than “Norbit”?!?

<br/><br />2. I felt filthy after about 5 minutes and felt like showering for infinity afterward.

<br/><br />1. In the end, this is just another film to be thrown on the “torture porn” scrap heap – who wants to see that?

<br/><br />My verdict? In a word: YUCK!

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<br/><br />NOTE: The film (deservedly) won 8 of its 9 Razzie (Bad Movie Oscar equivalent) awards, including a tie for Worst Actress (Lohan and Lohan), as well as lone winner for Director, Excuse for a Horror Movie, Remake or Rip-Off, Screen Couple (Lohan and Lohan again), Screenplay, and (of course) Picture. It was also nominated for Supporting Actress for Ormond.

<br/><br />Sidenote: Is “rewarding” a film like this for being extraordinarily, unspeakably and offensively awful really something we should be doing?

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Danny Boyle’s follow-up to 2005’s MILLIONS is this sci-fi horror blend of ALIEN, 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY and EVENT HORIZON. With a pretty good cast, atmospheric visuals, and an intriguing premise, the fact that it devolves into a blood-soaked horror fest is pretty forgivable. Still, doesn’t live up to its potential – as either brainy sci-fi, or truly disturbing horror.

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